A Day To Drink Green Stuff

Posted on March 16, 2013 by Will Craft For Food

I kind of figured St. Patrick’s Day was fast approaching when I had to sidestep a pile of vomit en route to my local coffee shop. It was vibrant green, like liquid Kryptonite. I thought this variation in puke color added a nice festive touch to the whole affair. After purchasing my usual coffee and milk, I made a mental note to avoid green beer this year. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with the drink itself. Generations of people have been happily getting drunk off of the emerald colored beverage. I just haven’t developed a palette for FD&C Green Dye #3 yet. Maybe in a few years. It’s probably an acquired taste.

For those of you who aren’t a big fan of food dyes either, here’s the drink I use to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with. It’s green. It gets you tipsy. It’s the Mexican Martini. Nothing screams “Irish Holiday” like some good ole Mexican Martini. This drink is sort of like a margarita but better. Let me explain. The history of this martini is somewhat hazy. Like all stories that take place in a bar, the beginning is a bit fuzzy and no one seems to remember much in the end. But most agree that it was invented in Austin, Texas in the 1970′s. Or maybe it was the 80′s. I’m just going to go with the 70′s on this one since they had better hair than the next decade. Simply put, the Mexican Martini has been a proud sponsor of random-bar-hook-ups in Austin for the past four decades. That’s pretty impressive.

Unlike other city-centric drinks like the Manhattan or Singapore Sling, the Mexican Martini failed to adopt the name of its city of origin and is almost unheard of outside of Austin. So, when I’m in Seattle and feeling homesick for Austin, I make this drink. Then I sip it slowly by the heater while wearing sunglasses and pretending that it’s 95 degrees and sunny outside. It works pretty well until my fiancé comes into the room and asks me why I have the heater on so high.

Mexican Martini Ingredients:

2 ounces of tequila
1.5 ounces of Grand Marnier (or another orange liqueur)
2 ounces of sweet and sour mix (the recipe for it is below this one)
1 ounce lime/lemon juice
1 ounce fresh orange juice
Splash of lemon/lime soda
Olives
Salt for the rim

Tips:

For the lemon/lime soda, go with Sprite if you just can’t get enough of that high fructose corn syrup flavor. I, myself, prefer DRY Soda in Wild Lime flavor. It has four ingredients, is all natural and contains fewer calories than a regular soda. You’ll find it in the aisle where the hemp shoes wearing people are milling around in. Say “Hello” to my fiancé while you’re there, will you?
The jalapeño stuffed olives are the best for this recipe, if you like spicy. But get whatever kind you like. I picked up some super green ones with stems attached from Whore Foods…er, Whole Foods.
Your drink will taste better if you make your own sweet and sour mix. Trust me.

Sweet & Sour Mix:

Dissolve 1 cup of sugar in 1 cup of water
Mix it with 1 cup of lime juice and 1 cup of lemon juice
Refrigerate

Directions:

Pour all of the liquids into an ice filled shaker. Shake.
Rim a martini glass with salt.
Pour drink into glassware and serve with a few olives.

I should also mention that you can serve it “Nascar Style”. That’s when you forgo the pretentiousness of glassware and drink it straight out of the shaker, through a straw. It is a Texas drink, after all. Don’t worry. We carded the dog beforehand. We know the rules.

Thank You For Not Stealing My Baby Name; Here’s A Bookcase

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Will Craft For Food

My Facebook Friends List looks suspiciously like a page torn out of a daycare center’s yearbook. Don’t ask me how my friends look like nowadays. I wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a police line up. Or at a party in my own home. It happened overnight, it seems like. Profile pictures of college students performing keg stands have been slowly replaced by two year olds doing milk chugs. Friends are always encouraging us to have babies as soon as possible but my response? ”We’re in no rush. It’s kind of nice to sit back and learn from everyone else’s mistakes”. At any given moment, my News Feed reads like a CliffsNotes version of What To Expect When You’re Expecting. Or for some, What To Expect When You’re (Not) Expecting. I find it all fascinating. Thanks to social media, I now know what to feed a child for the best abstract diaper art. Beets and leafy greens for color. Corn for texture. But more importantly, I’ve been fully educated on the cutthroat business of choosing a baby name. And I’m not even expecting.

The age of sixteen was when I first became aware of the stress involved in naming a child. I was working at a Mexican restaurant called Pappasito’s at the time. There, I met one of the most influential persons in my life. I can’t recall her name, but that’s not very important. What is important is that her son was named Markweist. Inexplicably, it is pronounced in the same manner as “Marcus”. In her defense, she would’ve named her child Marcus but made the mistake of sharing her chosen name with her best friend. The best friend had a baby before she did and ended up using the name herself. It was all very tragic. It was then, while wearing a sombrero and calling out for “Smith, party of two and a half!”, that I realized the importance of choosing a baby name early on and keeping it to oneself. I mean, you could share but who wants to add on 22 extra letters to a name because your best friend decided to lift yours? Unacceptable. If you don’t end up wanting kids, you can always use the name for a dog or a pet alpaca. Benjamin Theodore Thomas Ferguson III makes for a great alpaca name, I’ve heard.

So when our friends “C” and “O” decided to name their newborn “Baby S”, I was elated. One, the baby is healthy and beautiful. And two, Baby S was not on my radar of potential baby names. As a baby shower gift (as well as a Thank You gift for not using my baby name), I decided to go with two items. One to use and one to amuse. For the practical side, a Diaper Genie was chosen. And since some of my favorite memories centered around books and libraries, I decided to make Baby S her very own miniature bookcase. Out of an old jewelry box. Here’s what I used:

Wooden jewelry box. Get the tall one with the doors. I got one from Goodwill for $9.99.
Paint & paintbrush
Scrapbook paper
Sandpaper
Screwdriver
Saw
Double stick tape
Pencil/felt tipped pen
E-6000 glue
Scrap pieces of wood. I had a damaged paint canvas that had a wooden frame. I used that.

Step 1: Using a screwdriver, remove the doors, hardware and drawers. Then strip off the velvet they use to cover it all. Mine was mauve pink. Hopefully, yours has festive velvet coloration as well. Here’s a picture of me peeling away. Just in case you’re unsure of how to peel. Sometimes I forget. Usually after midnight on the weekends.

Step 2: Next, take a low grit sandpaper and start sanding. Just enough to get the clear coat off so that your paint will stick.

Step 3: Brush off the sawdust and wipe it down a few times with a damp cloth. Then paint it with your choice of paint color. I chose a Behr color. I can’t remember what it was called but it had the word “cottage” in it. Cottage cream or cottage dream. Who knows. You’ll need a few coats of this stuff though.

Step 4: Leave that jewelry box alone for a day to dry. Then take some more low grit sandpaper and lightly sand the edges to give it a distressed look. Don’t press down too hard or else you’ll end up taking off too much and the whole thing will look more damaged than distressed.

Step 5: Cut out scrapbook paper to fit the back of the jewelry box. You might want to measure first. Then find your stash of pencils. No one seems to have pencils anymore but you’ll want to track some down for this.

Step 6: On a purple/grey paper, I used a ruler to measure out half inch lines. Then I went on Google Fonts and chose a few different styles. Using some of my favorite quotes from children’s books and poems, I drew them onto the paper freehand. I left a little area blank in anticipation of the shelf that will go there.

Step 7: Once that was done, I took a black felt tipped pen and traced the letters. Then I erased the pencil lines. It came out quite well. The quotes I used were written by Roald Dahl, Shel Silverstein, A. A. Milne and Dr. Seuss. Take the double sided tape and stick these onto the back of the jewelry box.

Step 8: Locate your scrap wood. Again, mine was just the wooden frame to a damaged canvas. I found that the width of each wooden piece was roughly half of the depth of the jewelry box. So, I could use two to make a shelf. Measure and cut the wood to size. You will want a shelf that is the depth and width of your box. Then, cut out two extra pieces about half a centimeter in square thickness. The length will be the depth of your box. This sounds difficult but look at the picture after this one and it makes more sense. It’s relatively easy.

Step 9: Paint the wooden pieces in the same color you’ve been using. Then affix the two small wood pieces onto the jewelry box using the E-6000 glue. You will want one on either side. Place it where you’d like to see the shelf sit. Then place the wooden “shelf” piece on top.

Step 569: Almost done. You might want to start making plans to do normal things like pee and shower again. I found a wooden letter “S”, so I decided to glue that on top. I would’ve painted it but thought the raw wood was cute. I’m sure the newborn will approve.

Step 1425: Buy some books. This is the fun part. Children’s books come in all shapes and sizes so I bought the ones that were able to fit into the baby’s bookcase. ”O” and “C” are both in the software industry and plan on teaching their child the programming language, Ruby. I couldn’t find a small edition of that so I settled for Linux instead. Along with her Dr. Seuss books.

Step 22.5: Baby S is also fortunate enough to have parents who are both fluent in Spanish. So I threw in a little Spanish translator. It’ll come in handy when she’s nineteen, and in Cancun during spring break, trying to order a beer. Or find her way to a biblioteca. While drinking a beer.

And here is the gift for Baby S. Hopefully, she’ll remember this gift when I’m too old to drive and need a lift to the liquor store, library and bookstore. All in that order. Then repeat.

Tin Can-delier: Chandelier Made Of Tin Cans

Posted on March 1, 2013 by Will Craft For Food

My fiancé is vegan. He’s been one since the days of Walkmans and floppy disks. The urban foraging obsession came much later, though. I woke up one morning, years ago, to find him consuming what appeared to be houseplants. ”Are you eating our hanging fuchsia?” I ask him. He stops chewing for a second and tells me, “Yeah. I found out on Wikipedia that the fruits are edible. Isn’t that amazing? It’s like a hanging food source we’ve been unaware of!”. I quickly assess the situation and respond, “Shall I take you to Home Depot’s garden section for brunch, my love?”. Honestly, I have no idea what took him so long to make the trek north to Seattle to be with his fellow people. Maybe he wanted to collect enough plaid shirts to pair up with his Marmot jackets, along the way. Who knows.

The public parks here are like grocery stores to him. Leave him alone at Discovery Park for thirty seconds, and he’s already knee deep in some wild berry bushes. Ask him where he is and he’ll respond, “Aisle five!”. ”You mean, the North Beach trailhead?” I yell back. “Same thing,” he tells me. Once, he came wandering back to me while popping wild blueberries into his mouth. He tells me that they’re amazingly fresh yet oddly salty. I looked at him, then the dewy fruit and explain to him, “Um, that’s probably dog pee you’re tasting”.

Life is wonderful for an urban forager, here in Seattle. When it’s spring, summer or fall, that is. The fruits, mushrooms and my patio plants are plentiful during those seasons. When it’s wintertime and Discovery Park is no longer offering free food service, my fiancé starts urban foraging through our kitchen cupboards. He loves finding canned beans. I am a huge fan of tuna. During the wintertime, we manage to go through a small pile of canned goods by the end of the week. These cans are then brought to the recycling area about a hundred yards away. One day, laziness and creativity were playing particularly well together and I decided to make something out of my stash of tin cans versus walking them to the recycling area. I decided to make a chandelier made out of tin cans. Then I named it my “tin-candeiler”. Here’s what you’ll need:

Lampshade with the shade part removed. So, just the wire frame. Goodwill has plenty.
Wire mesh. You can get this off of an old window screen.
Wire
Lightbulb
Small chain. I used old chain necklaces for this.
Lamp kit. Get one at Home Depot or find an old lamp and strip it for its cord/lightbulb socket.
Scissors
Drill with various sized drill bits
Lots and lots of aluminum can tops
2 large aluminum can bodies. They should both be large enough to fit over your lightbulb.
Heavy duty gloves
Thin nails and hammer
Wooden board

Step 1: The list of materials calls for a “lampshade with the shade part removed” but I assume most people haven’t done that yet. So, let’s go ahead and do that, shall we?

Step 2: Take the wire mesh and cover the entire lampshade frame. It will look like a very shallow sifter. Attach the mesh to the frame with wires. Then, cut a hole in the middle where the center is. This will be where you thread the lightbulb cord through. A centimeter in width is what you’re aiming for when cutting that hole.

Step 3: Once you have that set up, go ahead and poke the lightbulb and cord through. Hang this up to the side somewhere for now. It’ll probably be lopsided. Mess with it later.

Step 4: Take inventory of your aluminum tops. Then gauge how important your fingers are to you. This project is a great one for anyone possessing extra phalanges. You might, in all likelihood, lose a few digits. So, you’ll want to wear some gloves for this project. Then divide your goods into three piles. Half of the tops should go into one pile and the rest should be divided evenly into two piles of 25% each.

Step 5: For 25% of the tops, you’ll want to trim off…oh, let’s say a half centimeter of material from the edge, all around. Place this onto a wooden board and nail it down with two nails. Situate these two nails about two millimeters away from the edge and at polar opposite ends. This will secure the tops so that you won’t have a dangerous spinning disc when drilling.

Step 6: Okay, so now you can go ahead and drill some holes. Use different sized drill bits to make a design of your choice. I opted for a swirly theme but you can do whatever.

Step 7: Drilling and cutting aluminum tops for hours can drive you nuts, one tiny drill hole at a time. Invite some friends over. People love watching craziness bud and blossom.

Step 8: Move on to the big pile of tops. Do the same exact thing to this pile. But when you make that cut around the edge, go for a deeper one. Take off 1.5 cm this time from the edge.

Step 9: For the rest of the tops, you’ll want to make them into spirals. This is pretty easy. Assuming that you still have both of your hands at this point, hold a top in one and a pair of scissors in the other. Cut in a one centimeter spiral all the way in. What you’ll get is a spiral that looks like a spiral. Sorry, my thesaurus sucks.

Step 10: Remember those holes you nailed in? And remember those capiz shell lamps you were about to buy but didn’t because they never went on sale and you get buyer’s remorse when you buy full price? Actually, that probably wasn’t you. That may have been me. Well, locate those holes and your chains and string the tops together like those capiz shells. You can mix and match the sizes. I sure did.

Step 11: Attach each string of strung tops to the mesh contraption with more chains. Make sure you attach it to the outermost edge.

Step 12: Working about an inch away from the edge, put up your spirals with long strands of chains. I forgot, poke a hole at the top of each spiral first.

Step 13: Then, take your two aluminum can bodies and drill some festive holes in them. Stack them up on top of one another and attach the two. Then place it around the lightbulb and string that up as well.

And here is my tin can-delier. Mother Nature already thanked me for this one.

When Childless People Babysit

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Will Craft For Food

Once in awhile, when my friend Myrtle (this is her not-real-name name) has decidedly had far too much to drink, she comes up with a plan for me to watch her children. There are three of them. One, three and five. I don’t have any mini humans of my own, so for me, moments like these are much more exciting than they should ever be. Or so I’ve been told. In response to Myrtle’s plan I tell her, “YES! I’m hiding all of my pills right now. But hey, are you sure though? I mean, the only thing I know about childcare, I’ve learned from observing rabid rhesus monkeys”. She takes a few seconds to think this over and goes, “You know, that’s perfect! I’ll drop em off at three!”.

Occasionally watching Myrtle’s three children isn’t really babysitting. It’s more like entertaining miniature mental patients. One minute, they’re laughing at your funny faces and the next? They’re screaming bloody murder, because they don’t like the way you’ve eyeballed their Honey Nut Cheerios for the past two hours. Children are unpredictable. They are crafty. They climb bookcases like primates in the jungle. They are everything I strive to be in life. I was super excited. It’s not everyday that you get to entertain three children without the aid of alcohol. Here are some observations I’ve made during my recent stint in the Rent-Three-Kids-Overnight forum.

Stickers are like the drug of choice for children. Kids will do almost anything for a piece of pre-cut, sticky backed paper. Spring for the good stuff though. Just like magpies, children can’t resist the sparkle of glitter and foil. Remember, half price stickers mean half ass work. Kids brush their teeth for a Winnie The Pooh glitter sticker. They poop without flushing for clearance bin smiley face stickers.

After spending hours trying to baby proof my home, I finally gave up and handed out helmets to each child once they entered the doors.

If a child can speak, they can spell. This probably isn’t true outside of my own head. But I figured the girls were pounding away at my typewriter already, so I might as well have them type out Thank You letters. They usually started off with “dhaiu8re” and ended with “jdhfaiuh8888!23″. It’s okay. People will just think I was drunk when typing out those Thank You notes. Even better.

Children seem to eat two things: whatever you’re not serving and sliced bread. I made the mistake of giving them Macrina Bakery’s olivetta bread. They poked at the green stuff and asked what it was. ”Those are olives. They taste much better in drinks but this isn’t too shabby either”, I informed them. They asked if I had plain sliced bread. I told them, “No. Adults can’t buy those until they have kids. For now, us childless couples have to make do with artisan bread”. I made a compromise and we had cake pops and oranges for lunch instead. Served with a flight of milk for them. Cow’s, almond and soy milks.

I’ve never believed in slipcovers until I saw three chocolate covered children make a beeline for my Thackeray sofa. I decided that this would be a good time to introduce them to the “water park”. Two minutes later, all three kids are standing in my bathroom telling me, “Um, this isn’t a water park”. I turned on the bathtub faucet and said, “Yes, it is. You park yourself in this tub, right here, and I turn on the water. Water park. And say, you know what will make your bubble bath even bubblier? If you scrub the bathtub first. Hold on, let me grab you my favorite toy, Mr. Scrub Brush”.

If you ever have to watch children, invest in a spinning globe. Children seem to be fascinated with the spinnability of a ball on an axis. They asked me where the South Pole was. I, in turn, asked them why. They told me that’s where toys are made. I said, “Oh, you want to know where toys are made? Here, let me find China for you”.

“Can we watch cartoons?” was a common question. My common answer was, “Only if you can figure out how to turn it on, because I sure can’t. Here are the remotes to the T.V., playstation, DVR and that other black box in back there. If you can figure it out, then you can watch it. If not, then there’s a view of ships rolling into Elliot Bay out the window”. They ended up watching the ships roll in for a few hours and telling each other that Bainbridge Island, in the distance, was Korea.

Kids don’t want to play with their own toys. They want to play with yours. And when you don’t have any toys, you have to come up with a quick solution. So, I gathered a bunch of rocks and told them this was the newest toy invented by Mattel called the Pocket Rock Its. So new, that they haven’t even released any commercials yet. These rocks kept them entertained for two hours. I have no idea how. But I’m not one to question luck when it makes a guest appearance.

Finally, send them off with a little gift to show them, “You’re not half bad when you’re not crying and thank you for not pooping in my houseplants”.

5 Days, $500, 248 sf NYC Apt…Go!: Final Day (Finally)

Posted on February 16, 2013 by Will Craft For Food

I love New York City. I just outed myself as a non-resident, in calling it by its full USPS-approved name, didn’t I? How middle America of me. Ok, “The City”. It’s where rich people go to feel poor. Where else could you spend $3,000/month to live in a closet masquerading as an apartment? Every time I feel like as if I have too much change in my pockets, I book a flight to Manhattan. Or take a trip to Whole Foods down the road. Whichever one is cheapest. And let me tell you, Whole Foods does not often win.

Going from Seattle to The City is a jump in many regards, but the two cities have much more in common than you would think. Anthony Bourdain compares Seattle to “Brooklyn before there was a Brooklyn”. This is mostly true, but overlooks the fact that Seattleites, well…they’re really not that cool. And that’s how they like it. The majority of the population here are like a Who’s Who of Doctor Who fans. My fiancé is one such enthusiast. He’s planning on wearing a celery boutonniere to the wedding. I’m just hoping that he doesn’t try to eat it halfway through the ceremony. But the main difference between the two cities is the clientele who shop at stores like Goodwill. NYC has real homeless people in there, The Emerald City largely does not. In Seattle, that homeless looking guy that you tossed a quarter to? Probably the CEO of some software company. He’ll gladly take that penny too, and shove it into his fanny pack. And that fanny pack was, more than likely, purchased at a thrift store during a half off sale. Because seven figure incomes just doesn’t buy what it used to.

This is why, while in New York, I sometimes forget myself and strike up random conversations with legitimate homeless people, under the misconception that all of their hardwiring is intact. For example, on the final day of redoing my sister’s apartment, I stepped into the Salvation Army on 3rd Avenue. Spotting a gorgeous olive green leather chair, I immediately go over to lay my claim by sprawling myself over the armrests. Looking at the price tag, I mutter to myself, “$24.99? That’s cheaper than stealing it. Not that I would ever do that, just in case anyone is listening”. A middle aged man sporting a shirt with more dirt than fabric hears me and spits out, “Ya got crack? I ain’t gonna steal it from ya…if ya just give it to me”. This was when I un-sprawled my limbs and made a quick exit, while telling myself not to make eye contact within the four walls of a Salvation Army in NYC ever again. But it was a steal of a deal, and I went back later that night to buy the chair. Here it is.

I gave it a good wipe down with a wet towel. Then I thought better of it and disinfected the entire thing with the strongest anti-bacterial cleanser I could lay my hands on.

The gorgeous detailing in back is definitely more valuable than two Snack Packs and a Fruit Roll-Up in an elementary school playground. It is a deal like this one that makes thrifting so rewarding.

After Salvation Army, I hopped on over to its cleaner cousin, Goodwill. There, I found these gallery frames for $7.99 and $10.99. I initially intended to replace the print with something else, but ended up kinda sorta really liking the simple black and white photography. A lot, actually. I arranged them simply grouped on the living area wall. I had two random wooden curtain rod ends, so I threw those up there as well. I may or may not have used a level.

Here is what the Living Room Area looked like “Before”.

On Day 5, this is what the Living Room Area looked like “After”. It’s the same area, just different view, I swear.

Remember the random stuff I was hoarding from different thrift stores? Giant thread spools large enough to keep two sweat shops in business until 2015?

Here they are, living the retired good life as adornments to the coffee table I had refurbished a few days prior.

And those plaster medallions? I stuck them on the wall, then realized I measured incorrectly. So, they were slightly off-center. In my defense, it was after happy hour. Instead of rehanging everything, I re-centered the entire grouping by adding the wooden spool of leftover twine to the end. I love it when laziness and creativity come together.

There is an antique ironing board that my sister has, which we picked up in New Hampshire, years ago. I really liked the board, but found the backside hardware much more interesting that its plain top. So, I ended up displaying it, backside forward, as a stand alone piece in the living room area.

In its previous life, the ironing board was hanging out with a rope ladder that we had found outside of a Babycakes NYC. This was years before. I cut the rope off of the wooden rungs and displayed it in a glass container.

Sitting beside that rope display is the glass lamp base we found at Goodwill. I placed my sister’s river rock collection under it. Then I added a lampshade we found on clearance, from Bed Bath & Beyond, for $9.99.

My sister, she is wonderful. Absolutely darling. But she’s not someone you would categorize as being of the overly emotional variety. She avoids hugs at all cost. Instead, she’ll give you a hand hug, if she likes you. Fist shake if she doesn’t. And handshake if she couldn’t care less. For really special occasions like weddings and funerals, she will also add in a heartfelt thumb nuzzle with that hand hug. This is strangely comforting, I should probably add. So, it came as quite a shock when I showed her the finished apartment and she was, how do you say it? Teary eyed. I asked her, “Um, this hasn’t ever happened before, so I’m not quite sure how to proceed…but um, are you…are you crying?”. She quickly looked away and muttered, “No, my eyeballs are just sweating. Those corneas, you know how they just love to sweat. Sometimes I wonder how many calories my pupils burn while dilating, alone. Hey, you didn’t get rid of my giant 24 pound wheel of cheese, did you?”. She told me that she loved what her sweaty pupils were seeing.

A few days before, I had found a wine rack at Goodwill. I then placed two terra cotta planters into the wine rack. I tilted the planters to make it all fit in. Then I dabbled on some Behr paint in “River Walk” to add some color.

Home Depot had some plants. I found one for $3.99 and another for $3.49. I took them both home with me. After paying, of course. Here are the plants in their happy new home.

I then placed the wine rack planter on top of the existing black table. To change up the entire look, I took out the existing hardware and replaced it with our free Anthropologie dresser knobs. She had saved those rings of wood from a wedding, years before.

This table was placed at the foot of the bed. Here is a view of the Bedroom Area “After” I had repainted the walls, added window treatments and redone the bookcases.

It’s kind of a huge jump from the canvas-used-as-window-treatment genre of decor I had witnessed during Day 1.

Another “After” view.

Here is the homeless chair I had found tossed out onto the streets. I rehabbed it with some spanking new fabric and then paired it up with a sexy side of revamped dresser. Let me know if my choice in adjectives is starting to creep you out. I’m pretty sure it does.

It’s a rather nice little seating area. The entire chair/dresser combination is off to the sides a bit, so it’ll be of service to some of my sister’s more socially awkward guests. If she ever decides to host a dinner party. But then again, she takes after our dad. And according to our mom, our dad “cooks, alright. Your dad cooks from the couch”. Maybe she’ll have a tuna can opening/eating party.

This 248 sf area of my sister’s apartment was done in five sleepless, flu riddled days. You may want to scroll through Day 1-4 to see the full renovation, including the kitchen and green dresser area. I also managed to redo it for far less than our initial $500 budget. Here is the breakdown of the spending:

Paints: $51.88
Paint Supplies: $14.99
Furniture & Furniture Renovating Materials: $99.98
Wood: $11.82
Plants: $7.48
Fabric: $23.00
Wall Art: $27.37
Decor: $150
Miscellaneous: $48.24

Total Cost: $299.76 (Correction: Apparently, I can’t input numbers correctly on my calculator. The total is $434.76. Still under budget but much less money left over for drinks. Thanks to people who pointed this out).

And a final look at the NYC apartment before I flew out the next morning. It was time to go back to the unshaven and plaid wearing populace of Seattle. A place where you can say things like, “Yeah, I’m going to have to decline that invite. There’s a secret mushroom patch I’ve been foraging. I kind of want to make a final harvest before chanterelle season is over. I mean, my famous wild mushroom risotto isn’t going to make itself, girlfriend” and people nod with intimate understanding.

The Key(board) To A Computer Nerd’s Heart

Posted on February 14, 2013 by Will Craft For Food

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You know that Macklemore song in which he sings about a broken keyboard? Well, not to sound like a total groupie or anything but yeah, I bought a broken keyboard. For $7.99 at the Ballard location of Goodwill Seattle. I don’t mind if you’re slightly oh-so jealous.

I am not a tech savvy person, by any stretch of the imagination. My fiancé, on the other hand, is in the software industry and does stuff like write code/invent new software patents. He is like the right brain to my left one. Together, we form a somewhat complete brain, but missing many many (several) key elements. He is a good man for putting up with all of my technical ineptitudes throughout the years. Here are some prime examples:

I broke my laptop. He asked me what I was looking for in a new one e.g. storage space, battery life, image quality. I told him I wanted something with a big flat surface on top, so that I can close it up and use it as a lunch tray when noon rolls around.
I once came up with an idea for an invention. I called it The Lunch Tray Laptop 2.1 EXL with dual cup holder attachments and silverware portals. This idea did not make it much further than my brain. The left one.
I used a Nokia flip phone for many years, until my sister told me it was embarrassing to see me navigate a phone with a missing #9 button. I told her I was keeping my vintage phone for as long as it worked. She bought me a Nexus. It then sat in its box for a month until my vintage phone with the “perfectly aged peeling paint” crapped out.
I rarely watch T.V. For the occasional dose of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, I call up my fiancé to turn it on. My favorite T.V. show is the one in which I stare at my reflection off of a blank television set, for thirty minute increments at a time. No reruns.

So what does a technically handicapped person do with a broken keyboard? Valentine’s Day gift for my computer lover. My plan was to make a picture frame composed of keyboard letters/numbers. Here is what I rounded up: alcohol, broken keyboard, E-6000 glue and a flat faced picture frame. I bought this frame at an Austin Goodwill for $2.99. It was made by someone named “Newton”. Let’s just assume his first name is “Isaac”, shall we? The alcohol is optional. It makes for some interesting glueing techniques, so keep it handy.

Step 1: Pour yourself a drink. Or two. You may need a nap if you go beyond three.

Step 2: Pop out the letters of the keyboard and arrange them on the picture frame. There will be some spacing in between some of the letters, so use this to your advantage. Arrange the spaces artistically. Then take the E-6000 glue you’ve been sniffing, and glue everything into place.

Step 3: I left the frame to dry a bit and figured I should come up with some backing to the frame, if I intend to use it to hold pictures. Keeping in line with the computer theme, I decided to use the cardboard box that my laptop came in. I just cut it down to the measurement of the frame.

Since I’m usually behind the camera, we don’t have many family portraits. Or at least cute ones. By “family”, I mean my fiancé, the dog and myself. So I drew one. On lined paper, since I kind of like the lines.

Here we are. The drawing’s scale is pretty accurate.

I actually snuck in some words and phrases while I was arranging the letters. This one reads, “I am John” as you can very well read for yourself.

And then the bottom goes, “Software Guy”. This one requires a few extra IQ points.

And here is the romantic keyboard picture frame for my Valentine. I plan to present it to him while whispering sweet Java script in his ear. Maybe some C++ action. I don’t know. We’ll see what we have time for after I give him his card made out of beans.

5 Days, $500, 248 sf NYC Apt…Go!: Day 4

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Will Craft For Food

Hi again. Nice to see that you’re still here. Don’t worry, you’re not overstaying your welcome. I mean, this isn’t even my apartment, so you’re fine. Just make sure to eat her bread in even numbers, or else you’ll “off” the slice number in her loaf. Ever been inside of an 8x5ft kitchen though? It’s a lot like being inside of a 5x8ft kitchen. No? Well, today must be your lucky day my friend, because I’m about to make that a reality. This is not a tiny kitchen, mind you. I prefer to call it a “Reheater’s Dream Kitchen”. Because lord knows, my sister is the best reheater of them all. Ask her how to serve tuna out of the can, and she’ll show you at least ten different ways. But this is the sort of room where, if you want to turn around, you’ll have to back up the way you came, turn 180 degrees in the hallway, and then walk back in reverse. It’s sort of fun. The first three times. But take a look at what I was presented with, in terms of “Reheating/Can Opening Home Space”, upon arrival.

I initially wanted to add some color to the walls, but soon found out that laying down paint was an impossibility in this space. Instead of your run of the mill drywall, the kitchen walls were made up of some sort of industrial plastic composition that wouldn’t hold regular paint. I’m pretty certain that the owner of the building had them installed in anticipation of some heavy duty meth lab cookery to be performed in these kitchens. There seems to be no other plausible explanation. Putting up a fabric faux wallpaper with cornstarch was also out of the question, since all of my sister’s reheating would’ve softened the starch over time. This would result in the fabric coming undone. So, I was left staring at this panel and finally came up with a solution.

First off, I needed burlap. I know everyone (and their mothers) are all about the burlap right now. It’s on the cusp of being as uncool as the mason jars of two years ago, but I really like the neutral color and coarse fabric. So I wasn’t afraid to implement it in this space. You know a trend is toeing the line of being yesterday’s news when you find it being used as a tablecloth for a two year old’s cupcake birthday party at a house “just outside of Omaha and down the street from Costco!”. But I’ve never admitted to being cool a day in my life, so here is my uncool burlap along with my kinda cool upholstery tacks.

I cut the burlap to the measurement of the walls that were being redone and stitched the hemline. This was so that there would be no ugly unraveling down the road. A simple backstitch will suffice. Since the plastic walls are impenetrable, I opted to put the fabric up along the edges, where the wall met the cabinetry. This area was caulked in, so I used that to my advantage, by pushing in upholstery tacks all along the edge.

Once I had the fabric up, I added some knickknacks I gathered up. My sister bought the shelf from TJMaxx, years ago. I used it to display interesting things found at Goodwill. I had packed some, but many were found at the location in NYC. The measuring spoons are from Anthropologie.

Speaking of Anthropologie, we actually had a rather fortuitous trip there earlier that day. My sister and I dropped in, promising that we wouldn’t buy anything this time. But the laws of nature is what it is, and we ended up picking up a few small things. First, we got these perty perty napkins at $7.95 a pop. Perty isn’t a word, by the way. Unless you were reared in Texas. Then our cashier got distracted by the busload of tourists who were doing an invasion of the store. She, in turn, forgot to ring us up for the dresser knobs, saving us roughly $15. And there may or may not have been some tights and a few small, very small clothing articles purchased as well. The branch-like hooks are actually from Anthropologie’s sister store, Urban Outfitters. They were marked at $12 per hook in-store, but 2/$20 online. I mentioned this difference in price and the cashier gave me the hooks for the online price, saving me $4. That’s coffee money. Or a taxi ride halfway somewhere.

And here is the new home for my perty perty napkins, a book on housekeeping from the 60′s (hilarious) and some colorful (clearance) finds from Fishs Eddy.

Kitchen (front view) “After”. To put up fabric around the outlets and grates which were in this kitchen, I first removed them. A screwdriver should be enough to take out the outlet plates and grate cover. Pinpoint exactly where the outlet/grate hole is in relation to the fabric. Cut out a rectangular piece in the fabric that is slightly smaller than the outlet/grate hole itself. Then replace the outlet and grate cover. The fabric should be held taut by the time you finish screwing in the covers.

Here’s a picture of the kitchen’s vintage grate before the fabric treatment. I’ve actually found similar grates like these in architectural salvage stores in Seattle for $50-$75. Sadly, the dying lucky bamboo plant isn’t worth as much. All the poor thing needed was a sympathetic hand to toss it into the trash chute.

Here’s the same area but with fabric treatment. These Pyrex glasswares were a great find during our road trip though New England, a few years back. They were something like $10 apiece. I thought the colors were nice so I used it as display, versus tossing them up in the cupboards to collect dust.

When I said that the kitchen walls were made out of meth lab materials, I meant all but one wall. There’s a wall to the immediate left that is not opposed to be painted or nailed upon. Here it is.

I decided to keep the original white color to this wall, since I wanted to keep a color palette of white, burlap tan and black in the kitchen. The bright accessories were there to add pops of color. To add some black to this space, I took this old pre-printed artwork and some chalkboard paint. Make sure to stir the chalkboard paint like crazy or else it’s not fully mixed.

It took a few coats of chalkboard paint but here’s what came out of it. Oh, I also trimmed the edges of the frame with pale yellow paint leftover from another project. Then I hung up those branch hooks from Urban Outfitters. You can use this chalkboard for anything though. Doodles, menus, nail file. You name it, it does it.

View of the kitchen when I’m on my back, in the hallway. A most natural position, I assure you.

When the previous renter moved out, he left some treasures for my sister and I to play with. Here are two of our favorite goodies: lamps from Ikea. He left us this short table lamp and its floor lamp twin.

There’s really nothing special about the lamp as is, but I wanted to make it into a paper towel holder. First, I took off the felt bottom. It comes off pretty easily. Then take a screwdriver and loosen the lightbulb socket up top. There’s probably two or three screws in all. And I hope you have enough sense to unplug that thing first. If not, well…carry on. Once you loosen that up, cut the wiring completely off, replace the socket and glue it in with some heavy duty glue. Paint the black socket a festive color of your choice, or not. I’m not one to tell people how to paint their paper towel holders. Then place a roll of paper towels through the top. Hold it into place by screwing in a lightbulb. Just use one that’s already blown out. Now you have a paper towel holder/art piece thing that’ll scare the plaid out of your hipster neighbors down the road.

Since we’re still in the “Fun With Ikea Lamps” mode, here’s the other transformation. This one had the same exact lampshade but was taller. I decided to go Restoration Hardware meets Pottery Barn, inside of an Anthropologie store with this one. Restoration Hardware is all about the deconstructed/industrial/I’ll-overcharge-you genre of design. I personally love it. Who needs a savings account in this day and age? So with that in mind, I went on a deconstruction spree by tearing off the paper parts of the lampshade, leaving only the base metal exposed.

You know those nautical rope lamps they sell at Pottery Barn? They also sell the same ones at Anthropologie, but for twice as much? Cause the cool kids don’t buy Pottery Barn anymore? I kept those lamps in mind, then I went to Home Depot. I grabbed some natural rope, about one centimeter around in thickness, and more E-6000 glue. First, I tied a tight knot at the top of the lamp and glued it down with some glue. Leave some rope at the end of the knot.

Once I applied glue all along the pole of the lamp, I wrapped the rope around and around until it reached the base. Then I glued the rope down to the base and added some safety pins where needed. These were taken out when dry. Here is my $10 rendition of the Pottery Barn rope lamp for $199, and Anthropologie rope lamp for $348. You can add a lampshade if you’d like, but I think this wire frame is a bit more updated and significantly less seaside cottage-y.

willcraftforfood

If Bob Villa & Martha Stewart Had A Lovechild